Today here at HalftimeLessons, we address an age old question that plagues us all. Well, not all of us, just those of us who have a better chance of winning the lottery twice in a month than being allowed to go party with 1500 women for four days.
The question being, "How do you do whatever you want without destroying your marriage, losing your kids, and owing alimony and child support until you are bled fully lifeless?"
You see, I am one of those people. I'm a guy who loves to write, loves to see the smiles on faces that I have humored, who loves to spend time in this blogger world, and with you people.
But in the absence of a kitchen pass, I am also the guy destined to enjoy BlogHer from the safety of his own computer. I'm a salesman, but not that good.
So in the spirit of "Not Me Monday", let me now come clean.
That was not me reconnecting my Starbuck's I.V. in O'Hare.
The streaker? Not me. Lucky you.
The guy who triple-dipped into the Unicorn cake? Didn't even taste it.
That was not me in the back of the cab, twice complaining about the smell. Or adding to it.
The guy with the line of women waiting to talk to him, definitely not me...pretty sure I only dreamed that one.
Nor was it me who trashed up the hotel... why do "grownups" do that?
I didn't have dinner with Julie. There is no Julie. To the girl whose lovely picture I borrowed, it looks like you had a fun time. Good luck with your life.
Absolutely was not me ogling women at the 704 party, nor was it me bawling like a complete and utter sissyboy at the Keynote. (Although I may have)
The great news was that it was not me who threw up in the lobby, or stole all the swag bags...and that's the kind of thing I am normally famous for.
For at the end of the day, sadly, that guy you saw at BlogHer...
Not me. ;-(
I'm not the guy who went to BlogHim, sadly. I'm the guy who had a blast at BlogHer, but wasn't actually there.
And yet, despite missing a chance to spend time with some writers who I find to be a giant, glittery, passionfruit-flavored slice of amazing, my weekend was only partly spent in my depths of disappointment and self-absorption.
A couple of people were awesome enough to feed me pictures and info to help in this prank, and I won't name them publicly for fear that someone eggs their mailboxes. You know who you are, and I love you for your mischievous spirits. Thanks also to my close friend, The Internet, for providing everything a guy could need to magically transport himself to another place without fear of socially-transmitted diseases, or airport bathrooms, or both.
I loved hearing that you were all having an amazing time, I hope the conference was everything you had hoped, and much more. Although I missed getting to meet IRL some folks whose writing I adore (like Brittany, Heather, Tena, Lee, Deb, Annie, Pauline, VodkaMom, Mariah, Bitchin' Amy, Jyl, Elaine, and many more), your updates and tweets made it almost like we were there with you, and I thank you. Make sure you check them all out today, I am sure they will have great stories and pictures for you.
Yesterday I began laying the groundwork for New York in 2010.
I said, "But honey, it's in New York!"
She replied, "Does that mean I could go?"
"Um...yeah.............but not to everything, ok?"
I told you, I'm not that great a salesman.
Thanks to MckMama and her "Not Me Monday" for hosting the perfect vehicle for this confession, and please pray for Stellan.
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